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XHK I»EKN rUBLISHIKG COmPAXV 
T'nao Arch Street 

Pblladelptaia 



Between the Acts 



A Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 



B. C. LEASE 



Philadelphia ^^^^ 

The Penn Publishing Company 
1892 



h 






Copyright, 1892, by The Penn Publishing Co. 



ARGUMENT. 

"Dick" Comfort lives comfortably upon an allowance given him 
by his Uncle Meander, upon the condition that he shall not marry. 
Despite his uncle's wishes, he has fallen in love and married, being 
careful to keep the news from his uncle's ears. 

He and his wife, Edith, have settled a few miles out of New York, and 
finding the time to hang heavy upon his hands, he occupies himself 
by writing a play, hoping thereby to win a prize that has been offered. 
This play he has completed, and all that is necessary is to revise it, 
which must be done by the evening of the day in which the story 
takes place. He has revised the first act and is taking a rest 
"Between the Acts," when the morning mail brings him a letter 
from his Uncle Meander, stating that he expects to arrive that very 
day to remain until the afternoon. 

What is to be done? How is he to keep his uncle from seeing 
Edith, and so discover that they are married? 

Ha finally decides that the only thing for him to do is to play 
bachelor. 

He dispatches his wife to town upon an errand, having great diffi- 
culty in preventing his uncle from seeing her, who arrives just before 
she leaves. Shortly after George Merrigale, an old friend of Dick's, 
arrives, having run out from town to spend the dav. He also is not 
aware that Dick is m irried. Seeing a picture of Edith he inquires 
wh3 is the original, and Dick informs him that it is a photograph of 
the maid-servant. Tiiis deception is kept up throughout the play. 

Later in the day Mrs. Meander, Dick's aunt, comes from town. 
She is not upon very friendly terms with her husband, and so took a 
later train. Edith also returns, and not knowing Dick's uncle and 
aunt, thinks Dick has sent her to town so that he could make love to 
another woman. The others take her for the maid, having been told 
so by Dick, and Merrigale misunderstanding a remark that Harris, 
the man-servant, has made, thinks Dick is not only married to his 
maid, but has another wife beside. He tells this to Meander, who 
is furious, and after an interview with Edith, dismisses his own wife, 
whom he does not recognize, and thinks is the other woman. Edith 
assists him in making peace with Mrs. Meander, and she is so sorry 
for mistrusting Dick that she willingly forgives him. Meander also, 
although blaming Dick, who is heartily sorry for the way he has 
acted, forgives him for Edith's sake, whom he pronounces "a 
jewel." 

He tells Dick to continue writing plays for an amusement if he 
will, but when he is in need of the wherewithal to sustain life to 
draw upon him "Between the Acts." 



TIME IN REPRESENTATION. 
Two hours and a quarter. 



COSTUMES. 

" Dick " Comfort. — Ordinary suit. 

George Merrigale. — ist, Traveling suit, spattered with 
mud ; 2d, Masquerading costume. 

Alexander Meander. — Old gentleman's walking suit. 

Harris. — Man servant suit. 

Mrs. Clementina Meander. — Old fashioned dress, black 
bonnet, shawl, etc. 

Mrs. Edith Comfort. — ist, House dress ; 2d, same with 
bonnet, etc. 

Sally. — Servant's dress. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Letter for Comfort, which he is discovered reading ; 
a quantity of paper, writing materials, and cabinet photograph 
on table ; newspaper for Meander ; cigar for Merrigale to 
smoke ; boxes for Harris to enter with. 

Act II. — Dusting-brush for Harris ; money for Comfort to 
give Harris ; handkerchief for Merrigale ; bag for Sally. 

Act III.— Newspaper for Merrigale ; glass of water on 
table for Comfort. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

"Dick" Comfort^ married, yet single, 
George Merrigale, an unfriendly friend, 
Alexander Meander, Dick's uncle. Blamed 

but blameless, 
Harris, Comfort's man-servant. 
Mrs. Clementina Meander, Dick's aunt. 

Blameless, but blamed. 
Edith Comfort, Dick's wife. ''Unknown^ un- 

honored, and unsung!^ 
Sally, Mrs, Meander s Maid, 



Act I and II— Morning. Act III— -Afternoon, 
stage directions. 

R. R- c C< L. C. L. 

The playef is supposed to face the audience, r., means right; 
L., left; c, centre; R, c, right of centre; i>. C, left of centre; 
D. F., door In fiat or scene across back oi stage ; R, d., right door ; 
L. D., left door; l. d, 1, Idi door, ist entrance; l. d. 2, left door, 
2d entrance. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 



Act I. 

SCENE. — Handsomely furnished drawing-room in Dick 
Comfort's house. Comfort discovered standing by ta- 
ble, reading letter attentively. 

Comfort {after pause) What shall I do ? Here is a 
letter from Uncle Meander, stating that he is coming to 
spend the day. When he told me, four years ago, that I 
should be his heir and that he would allow me $2,500 a year 
during his lifetime, I raised no objection whatever ; in fact 
the idea rather pleased me. But there was to be one con- 
dition — that I should never marry. I had no desire to marry 
then ; that was four years ago. But one can't help falling 
in love; {poiutino;- to himself) at least this one couldn't. 
Who wouldn't fall in love with Edith ? And ever since 
Edith and I were married, six months ago, I have been 
in constant fear and trembling lest Uncle should hear of it. 
This visit will upset all my calculations. He will discover 
the truth and then my chances of succession will vanish. 
What is to be done ? {Reads letter) " Will arrive Thurs- 
day morning " — that is to-day — " and will be compelled to 
leave by the afternoon train." The afternoon train goes 
at four o'clock. {Thoughtfulh') Now, if I could prevent 
a meeting between Edith and Uncle Meander ; if I could 
play the part of a bachelor, just for to-day — by George ! 
I have half a mind to try it ; that is my only chance ; my 
last hope. I'll do it. But what is to be done with Edith ? 
{Enter Mrs. Comfort, d. l. 2.) 

Mrs. C. Dick (Com. starts), won't you take a drive with 
me this morning ? 

Com. My dear Edith, I— I fear I am too busy this 
morning. 

Mrs. C. You do not appear so. 

Com. Well, in this case, appearances are deceitful. \—^ 

7 



8 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

am devoting myself to-day to the revising of my comedy. 
It has to be sent in to-morrow, you know ; that's why 
I am working so hard. I have just finished making the 
necessary corrections in Act I, so I thought I was en- 
titled to a few minutes rest. 

Mrs. C. Oh ! I wish you had never begun to write your 
old play. Suppose you should win the prize, what good 
would it do you ? 

Com. But, my dear Edith, think of the fame. 

Mrs. C. And of what use would that be to you ? Would 
it help you remember your wife ? Would you think of her 
happiness any more than you do now ? 

Com. No, not more than now, for you know that to see 
my wife happy is my greatest wish. I would enjoy a drive 
in your company, far more than working all day, but duty 
before pleasure, you know, work before play. 

Mrs. C. But your play is before everything. 

Com. And yet, it is not recreation. My play is work — 
very hard work, too ; but, on the other hand, my work is 
all play, so it is the combination of these two evils that 
makes me, in your eyes, a dull boy. But I — I am very glad 
that you intend to take a drive. It is such beautiful weather ; 
suppose you drive into town and spend the day with your 
mother. 

Mrs. C. Why, I wouldn't get home until late this after- 
noon. 

Com. {half aside) Yes, I know. 

Mrs. C. Besides, I spent all last week in town. No, 
unless you will go with me, I shall not take a drive 
to-day. 

Com. But, my dear Edith, there is a little commission 
I want you to execute for me in town. I — I need some 
paper, in fact, I must have it, or I can't finish my play to- 
night. 

Mrs. C. You have plenty of paper; look here. {Takes 
up a quantity of paper from table}) 

Com. {confused) Yes — but — a — but this is not the right 
kind. 

Mrs. C. What kind do you wish ? 

Com. Oh ! any kind will do ; buy all kinds. 

Mrs. C. But Dick, can't Harris purchase it, just as 
well as I ? 

Com. No, no, you are the only one that can do it, that is 
to say, you are the one I wish to go to town, I — I — mean — ■ 
oh ! {earnestly) Edith, if 3^ou love me, do go. 

Mrs. C. Very well, my dear, if you wish it ; but I shall 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 9 

take the train, it is too long a drive. How much paper 
shall I buy ? 

Com. Oh ! any amount ; I shall need a great quantity ; as 
much as you can bring home. (Aside) Tiie mox e she pur- 
chases the longer it will take her. 

Mrs. C. (aside) Poor boy, he is so nervous ; he has 
been working entirely too hard. 

Com. (looking at watch) Nine o'clock! You will just 
have time to catch the train. I shall order the carriage to 
take you to the depot. (Calling) Harris ! 

Mrs. C. But, Dick, the train doesn't leave until nine 
thirty. 

Com. Yes — you can just make it, no more. (Calling) 
Harris ! 

Mrs. C. There is plepty of time. (Exit Mrs. C. d. l. i.) 

Com. (calling loudly) Harris ! (Enter Harris d. f.) 

Har. Did you ring, sir? 

Com. (sharply) No, I didn't ring, but I have been calling 
you for the last half-hour. 

Har. Yes, sir. 

Com. Order the carriage immediately. 

Har. Yes, sir. (Aside) His honor is in good spirits this 
mornin'. (Exit Harris, d. f.) 

Com. If Edith will only leave before Uncle Meander 
arrives all will be well (takes 2ip MS. from table) Here's 
my comedy ; two acts yet to revise before to-night. Oh ! 
why did uncle choose to-day for a visit ! I will be too busy 
to entertain him, he must amuse himself. I suppose I had 
better work while I have the opportunity (sits at table) 
Let me see. Act I is completed ; I am glad of it. Now for 
Act II (takes tip pen, stops as if listening) Carriage-wheels ! 
Can it be Uncle Meander {idses and goes to wi?idow in 
back of stage) ! By George ! it must be he ; that is the 
hack from the depot. Now what am I to do ? 

Mrs. C. (calling from without) Dick ! 

Com. (comijig down stage) Yes, my dear; no hurry; 
there is plenty of time. (Aside) I must resort to desperate 
measures (locks door L. i). There, she is caged. (Enter 
Meander d. f.) 

Mean. Well, Richard, my boy, here I am. 

Com. Ah ! uncle ! I am delighted. You're looking as hale 
and hearty as ever, I see. 

Mean. Yes, never was in better health. You needn't 
hope to get rid of me for many years, although, no doubt, 
you wish it, you young rascal (digs him in the ribs). 

Com. (deprecatingly) O uncle 1 .^ 



lO BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Mean. Well, Richard, it has been four years since last I 
saw you. You're not married yet I hope. 

Com. {itervously) Married ! The idea of my marrying. 
Oh ! no I— 

Mrs. C. {calling from without^ Dick! 

Com. {coughs violently'). 

Mean. Did any one call ? 

Com. {confused) No, oh ! no ! that's only the parrot. 
{Aside) How shall I prevent them from meeting.? ^To 
Meander) Uncle, you must be very tired after your 
journey {taking him by the arm) : I am sure, you would likj 
to rest awhile {leading him toward d. r.) Come ; right in 
here. 

Me\n. {hesitatingly) But, my dear boy, I really do not 
feel fatigued. 

Com. Oh ! yes ; I am sure you do. 

Mrs. C. {calling from without) Dick! 

Com. {nervously) The parrot, only the parrot ; speaks 
very plainly, doesn't it .'* 

M^AN. Do you keep it in a cage? 

Com. Yes, oh! yes; she is caged! I — I mean it is. 
Ri^'it in here, unzle {pushes him into room r., shuts door an i 
locks it). Now he's caged. What shall I do with them ? 
I will dispose of EJith first {goes to d. l. i and unlocks it 
car 2 fully). Edith, rny dsar, you must make haste. {Calls) 
Harris! {Enter Mrs. C. d. l. i. Dressed ready to go out.) 

Com. You will lose the train. {Enter Harris, d. f.) 

Mrs. C. But, Dick, you said there was plenty of time. 

Com. So there was, but — a — there is no time now. {To 
Harris) Harris, is the carriage ready 

H\RRis. It is at the door, sir. 

Com. {sharply) That's what I asked you. {To Mrs. C.) 
Good-bye, my d^ar {kisses her). You won't return until 
this evening, will you? No, that's right; I won't expect 
you until then. (Mean, pounds upon door) 

Mrs. C. What's that? 

Com. {confussi) Oh ! that's — a — that's only the dog. 

Harris. No, sir; I just seen the dog down — 

Com. Keep quiet! do you hear! I've had enough of 
your impudence this morning. {To Mrs. C.) Good-bye, 
Edith {kisses her again). Spend the day at your mother's. 
GD^d-b/e {hurries her out d. f. ; exit Harris d. f.) 

Mn:AM. {hounds on the door and calls) Richard ! 

Com. The dog is becoming noisy; Edith left just in 
time. {Unlocks door k) Why, uncle, what is the matter? 
{Enter Mean. d. r.) Did you lock yourself in ? 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. II 

Mean, {ivith suppressed temper) Lock myself in ! No, 
certainly not ! how could I, when the key was on the out- 
side ? 

Com. {holding key in hand) So it is. It was a mistake. 
Harris must have done it ; what a stupid fellow he is ! I 
have given instructions that these doors be always kept 
closed, and Harris, with his natural craving to obey orders, 
must have locked you in. 

Mean, Well, your servant's yearning to be obedient was 
misdirected in this case ; see that it does not occur again. 

Com. {half aside) I hope there will be no necessity. 

Mean. There was no necessity Ihis time. 

Com. {qnickl}^ No, of course not, of course not. 

Mean, {snspieioiisly) By the way, Richard, I heard a 
woman's voice ; whose was it ? 

Com. That was the parrot. 

Mean. But the parrot is not in this room. This was a 
woman — I am sure of it ; she was talking to some man. 

Com. {confnsea) Oh ! it — I mean she was — Harris, you 
know — the maid talking to Harris. {Earnestly') But, uncle, 
you couldnt't understand what they said, coufd you ? 

Mean. No, not perfectly. I thought I heard the man 
say " good-bye." 

Com. That was to the maid, you know, she was going 
to spend the day in town. 

Mean. Then the man spoke of a dog ; do you keep 
dogs ? 

Com. Oh ! yes, about a dozen. 

Mean. A dozen dogs and a parrot ! You seem to be 
fond of the animal kingdom. Any others ? 

Com. Not that 1 can think of at present. You see, I — I 
live such a quiet and retired life I find it necessary to have 
some companions. 

Mean. " You evidently believe in quantity before quality. 
I am glad that your companions are chosen from among 
the brute creation, from the animals that are blessed with 
being created dumb ; there is a kind of animal — about which 
I have often warned 3^ou — whose oratorical powers are very 
great. In that animal's eyes we 7nen are considered as 
members of the brute creation. 

Com. {deprecatingh^ O uncle ! how very ungallant. 

Mean. It's true nevertheless ; take your servant for ex- 
ample — {enter Harris, d. f.) — with all his dumbness he is 
far superior to — 

Har. Mr. Comfort, sir ! 

Com. {turning) What do you mean, you rascal ! 



12 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Har. There's a gent — 

Com. Silence ! 

Har. Yes, sir, but — 

Com. Did you hear me ? 

Har. Yes, sir, but Mr. Marygal told me to — 

Com. Merrigale ! George Merrigale ! 

Har. I don' know, sir ; but he just arriv'. 

Com. Why didn't you say so ? 

Har. I was attemptin' to, sir, but — 
i Com. You're too confounded slow. 

Har. Yes, sir. 

Com. Show Mr. Merrigale up immediately — now don't 
ask me " when " — immediately ! {Exit Harris, d. f.) 

Com. {To Mean.) George is an old friend of mine, un- 
cle ; I haven't seen him for a year. {Aside suddenly recol- 
lecting) Deuce take it all ! He knows all about my mar- 
riage ; he will ruin me. {Aloud) Uncle, you didn't half 
rest yourself did you ? {taking him by the arm) Come, take 
another nap. 

Mean. But I feel no need of rest. 

Com. Then take a walk over the grounds ; I know you 
will enjoy it ; right out this way. {Leads him toward r.) 

Mean. No, Richard, I would far rather remain. {Enter 
Merrigale, d. f., clothing spattered with mud) 

Mer. Ah ! Dickie, my boy. I've come in the shape of a 
little surprise ; it is a surprise, isn't it ? 

Com. Yes, I must confess it is. 

Mer. I knew it. Haven't seen you for nearly a year, 
have I ? How am I looking, eh ? 

Com. a trifle seedy. 

Mer. Eh ! I knew you would say so. You must excuse 
my good looks ; {poi?iti7ig to mud) these beauty marks were 
gathered along the road. 

What a deuced slow place you have out here, old fellow ; 
I had to walk all the way from the depot. Only one cab, 
and some old duffer took that, so I had to foot it {seeing 
Mean, aside) By jove 1 there he is. ( To Comfort) Pre- 
sent us, old man. 

Com. {aside) There is no escape. ( To Mean.) Uncle, let 
me introduce an old friend of mine, Mr. Merrigale. 

Mer. The honor is mine, sir. {Aside) Dick's uncle ! A 
— Mr. Comfort, I suppose. 

Mean, {crossly) I never claimed it. 

Mer. Quite right, sir. 

Mean, {with dig?iity) I consider the title which you have 
just applied to me very inappropriate, sir. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. I3 

Mer. You mean, " old duffer "? Oh ! don't let that 
make you uneasy ; you couldn't help it, you know. 

Mean, {aside) A very forward fellow. 

Com. {a7ixious to get Mer. out of the room) George, I 
know you would like to change your clothes. 

Mer. Why, I've scarcely had time to shake hands with 
you yet, old fellow {takes his hand). I am stopping in 

for a few days, and thought I would just run out and 

see an old friend. Too slow out here for me, though. I'd 
petrify in a few days. Ah ! Dickie J we don't have the lively 
times we used to, do we ? What a gay bird you were ! 

Com. Perhaps I was before I — ahem — 

Mer. Married, eh ! ' 

■ Com. {coughs violently). 

Mer. Don't be bashful, old man {looki?ig around). 
Where do you keep her ? I never saw her, you know ; left 
home just after the engagement was announced and went 
to India. 

Com. {co7ighs again). 

Mer. Bad cough that, old man. 

Mean. Mr. Merriwind, may I ask to whose engagement 
you were referring ? 

Com. {aside) It is all over with me. 

Mer. Certainly, sir. To Dick's ; sly dog, isn't he ? 
Always was a gay sort of a chap, you know, but I never 
thought he cared for the ladies. The first I knew, he was 
engaged. 

Mean. Richard, you told me nothing of this {sternly). 
Have you deceived me, sir ? 

Com. O uncle ! pray spare my feelings. 

Mean, {aside) He appears agitated. {Aloud) Was the 
engagement broken off? Did it end as most of these love 
affairs do ? . 

Com. Yes, sir — it — a — it came to a sudden end — about 
six months ago. {Aside) I was married then. {To Merri- 
gale) George, won't you please go and change your 
clothing? 

Mer. Certainly, old chap, but — a — this is the only suit I 
have with me. 

Com. I will lend you one. {Calling) Harris! 

Mer. Awful sorry for my mistake, old man. 

Com. a very natural one, but — a — please make no 
more. {Enter Harris d. f.) {To Harris) Harris show 
Mr. Merrigale to my room. George, I think I left one of 
my suits on a chair ; you can wear that while yours is being 
cleaned. 



14 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Har. Yes, sir. {Exeunt Harris and Merrigale d. 

L. 2.) 

Mean. Now, Richard, explain matters ! Why did you 
not notify me of your engagement ? 

Com. {confused) Well, uncle, I — I — I can hardly tell; 
you were away at the time, you know. 

Mean, Dldyo?t end the engagement or the girl ? 

Com. It was by mutual consent ; I — I think perhaps I 
was the more anxious of the two. 

Mean. I am very glad that it did end. You know that 
a wife would only make trouble between us. 

Com. Yes, I know. 

Mean. Never let me hear of your marriage, or — you 
know the consequences. 

Com. I am doing my best and I assure you, uncle, that 
ever since my — a — my — engagement came to an end I 
have never once thought of another woman. 

Mean. That's right, Richard ; you show your good 
sense. What time does the next train arrive from town ? 

Com. {looking at watch) There was one due a few minutes 
ago. 

Mean. That is the one my wife was to take. 

Com. {surprised) Your wife ! Not Aunt Clementina ! 

Mean. Of course ; how many wives do you credit me 
with? 

Com. But you said nothing about her coming. ' 

Mean. Didn't I mention it in my letter? That was a 
great oversight. She stopped in town ; said she would 
come in the next train. 

Com. {aside) I seem to be holding a reception to-day. 

Mean. In case, Richard, you notice anything peculiar 
in my actions toward my wife, do not be alarmed ; we have 
had a little misunderstanding and at present do not speak. 

Com. That's too bad. 

Mean. Oh ! no ; it's a little pleasantry on her part, that's 
all. You may perhaps think it affectation, but through force 
of habit it has become a second nature. And, by the way, 
should she inquire if you " know who that individual is " — 
which means me — it would be just as well for you to plead 
ignorance. 

Com. What do you mean ? You want me to act as if 
you were a stranger ? 

Mean. Oh! no, that will be unnecessary. Just tell her 
— if she should ask the question — that you do not know 
me. She will like you all the better for it and it won't hurt 
my feelings in the slightest ; that is another second nature. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 1 5 

But if you do not object, we will drop the subject of wives, 
Richard. 

Com. Willingly, sir. 

Mean. That parrot of yours — is it a Chrysotis or an 
Erithacus ? 

Com. {bewildered) Just a — a plain green one, sir ; a talk- 
ing one, you know. 

Mean. I should like very much to see it. (^;2/^r Harris 

D. L. 2.) 

Com. {confused) I — I am very sorry, but — 

Mean. No butting, Richard, your man can bring it. (To 
Harris) James, bring the parrot. 

Har. {surprised) The which, sir? 

Mean. The parrot. 

Har. I — I am afraid, sir — 

Com. {quickly) Afraid ! of what ? bring the bird in- 
stantly. 

Har, You mean the stuffed one in the library, sir? 

Com. Stuff and nonsense ! the one in the — a — the right 
wing. 

Har. {bewildered) Ye-es, sir. 

Com. Be quick now, and don't return without it. 

Har. Yes, sir. {Exit d. f.) 

Mean. Have you more than one parrot? 

Com. Oh ! yes, half a dozen ; I — I quite overlooked the 
others. {Enter Mer. d. l. 2, dressed in clown's costume.) 

Mer. Is this the best you could do for me, old man ? 

Com. Why what in the deuce have you got on ? 

Mer. That is more than I can tell you. This is the suit 
I found on the chair. Your man took my suit before I had 
a chance to look for yours ; then it was this or nothing. I 
preferred this. 

Com. I am glad you gave it the preference. But I 
didn't mean that suit. That is a masquerading costume. 
{Befrinning to laugh) George you look like a perfect clown. 

Mer. And so I am — I — I — mean — say Dickie, it is 
hardly kind to dress me up just for your own amusement. 

Com. {still laughing) Forgive me, old fellow, but do take 
off those ridiculous garments. 

Mer. Oh ! I quite enjoy them ; makes me feel young 
again, you know {dances to table, sees photograph of M.^?,. C. 
and examines it). 

Mean. ( To Com.) He acts young ; childish, I should 
call it. 

Mer. I say, Dickie, who is she ? Deuced fine looking 
girl. 



l6 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Com. {ctside) My wife's photograph ! {coughs viole?itly 
then quic/tly) As I was saying, uncle, I am exceedingly 
fond of parrots, in fact, I make them a specialty. The green 
ones are my favorites, I think ; they are so — a — so green, 
you know. 

Mer. {coming down stage with photograph i?i hand) Who 
did you say she was, Dickie ? Any relation ? 

Com. {feigning ignorance) Relation ! Who ! What ! 

Mer. Why this stunning looking girl {showing photo- 
graph to Mean, and digging him in ribs) A beauty, eh ! 

Com. {looking at photograph) Where did you find that ? 

Mer. On the table ; who is she ? 

Com. {at a loss what to say) She — it, I mean — no — that is 
to say she is — a — the maid-servant, only the maid-servant. 

Mer. Maid-servant! By jove, she is far too good look- 
ing for a maid-servant {handing photograph to Mean.) What 
do you think of that, eh ? {digs him in ribs) looks like a 
princess in disguise, don't she ? 

Mean. But, Richard, how comes a picture of a maid- 
servant on your sitting-room table .^ I do not admire your 
taste. 

Com. I really don't know ; I — I suppose Harris must 
have left it there. No doubt she gave it to him and he for- 
got it. 

Mean. A very careless fellow. 

Com. Yes, very. 

Mer. {gazing at photograph) What's the fair creature's 
name, Dickie ? 

Com. {hesitating) A — ^a — Sallie. 

Mer. Pretty name ; can't we see her, old man ? Come, 
now, trot her out. 

Com. Impossible ! 

Mer. Oh ! do now. 

Com. Impossible, I tell you. She has gone to town. 
{Aside) I have told more lies to-day than is good for my 
health. 

Mer. When will she return? 

Com. {sharply) It appears to me, Merrigale, you take a 
great interest in my — my maid. 

Mer. I do. 

Com. {aside) I am becoming positively afraid of that 
man's questions. A few more and he will discover — 

Mer. I say, Dickie, can't you tell me — 

Com. {interrupting) No, I can't. I — I am very sorry, but 
— a — not now, there is something that requires my atten- 
tion. {Aside) That's another lie ; I am getting in over my 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 1 7 

head ; it will be best for me to withdraw from this man's 
cross-questioning, until he changes the subject. {Aloud) 
Gentlemen, I hope you will excuse me for a moment; I 
shall return presently. {Exit d. l. 2.) 

Mer. It's a shame that such a clipper of a girl should 
spend her days as a maid-servant, don't you think so ? 

M'E k^. {s/iarplv) I don't think anything about it. {Takes 
7iewspaper from pocket, sits and reads.) 

Mer. I knew you w^ould say so ; of course you don't 
///z>//^ anything about it; neither do I, we k?iow it. How 
would you like to live in solitude as a maid-servant, eh ? 
( Waits for reply) Just imagine yourself a maid-servant ; you 
wouldn't like it, would you? Of course, I mean, if you were 
accustomed to better things {coiifused), that is to say, I — I — 
mean — {looks at Mean., who pays no aiiention) {aside) I 
hardly think it is worth my while to mean anything ; he 
doesn't appear to be interested. {A pause) {silting) . This 
is rather slow. {Enter Harris d. ¥., closely followed by Mrs. 
Mean, and Sallie.) 

Har. Mrs. Clementina Meander, sir! (Mean, starts^ 
b7it continues to read paper. Mer. rises.) 

Mrs. Mean, {screams) Sarah, what is that creature ! 

Sal. One of thim ring circus clowns, mum. 

Har. If that ain't Mr. Marygal, disguised. (7^^ Mer.) I 
won't tell her who you are, sir. 

Mer. Disguised ! Nonsense ! I am Mr. George Merrigale, 
madam, at your service. 

Mrs. M. {patronizingly') I think you can hardly be of 
any service to me, my man. 

Har. This is Mr. Comfort's friend, Mr. Marygal, mam. 
{To Mer.) I thought you were disguised, sir. 

Mrs. M. Mr. Comfort's friend ! 

Har. That's what I remarked, mam. 

Mrs. M. Sarah, did he say Mr. Comfort's friend? 

Sal. Indade, thet's jist what he did said, mum. 

Mrs. M. {half aside) What must his enemies be like ! 
{Exit Har. d. f. laughing) 

Mer. Madam, I am exceedingly sorry that I should have 
caused you and your daughter any annoyance. 

Mrs. M. My daughter! This is my French maid. (Sal. 
curtesies, Mean, begins to whistle) 

Mrs. M. {starts) Sarah, who is that individual ? 

Sal. Sure an' I don't know, mum ; sounds like some 
whistlin' stame dummy. (Mean, appears insulted and stops 
whistling) 

Mer. That's Mr. Comfort, Dick's uncle, you know. 



1 8 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Mrs. M. Comfort ! Sarah, did he say Comfort ? 

Sal. Indade he did, mum. 

Mrs. M. a blackbird may think it is disguised by call- 
ing itself an eagle, but I am not to be deceived ; I know 
a blackbird when I see one. {To Mean.) Do you hear 
me? 

Mer. Oh! yes, I — I hear! of course you do. {Aside) 
What is she talking about ? 

Sal. And I know a blackbird, too, mum. 

Mer. Certainly; so do I. {Aside) There is nothing so 
very remarkable about that. {To Mrs. Mean.) I will pre- 
sent the gentleman, madam. (Mean, appears uncomfort- 
able.) 

Mrs. M. Stop! young man, you know not what you are 
about to do. 

Mer. Oh ! yes'm, I do ! 

Mrs. M. That — that person and I are strangers. 

Mer. Yes, I know, but — 

Mrs. M. And I prefer that we should remain strangers. 
(^To Mean.) Do you hear me, sir? Strangers forever! 

Mer. I — I beg your pardon. I — I do not wish to force 
his acquaintance upon you. I think, however, you would 
find him a pleasant companion, but, of course, just as you 
please. {Aside) Seems a little eccentric. 

Mrs. M. Sarah, he knows my wishes upon the subject, 
does he not ? 

Sal. Iny common, horse-sensed individual would, 
mum. (Mean, starts whistling) 

Mrs. M. That — that creature is making those peculiar 
noises again ; they give me the shivers. 

Mer. {To Mean.) My dear sir, won't you postpone your 
music until a more auspicious moment ? This lady 
seriously objects. (Mean, continues to whistle. Enter 
Comfort d. l. 2.) 

Com. Ah ! my dear aunt ! 

Mer. {aside) Dick's aunt ! 

Com. I have not kept you waiting long, I hope. 

Mrs. M. {embracing hini) A very long time, Richard; a 
very long time. 

Com. But I feel confident that my friend Merrigale has 
entertained you. 

Mrs. M. Your friend! Is he indeed your friend! {To 
Sal,) Sarah, have my ears deceived me ? I understood 
him to call this — this person his friend. 

Sal. Yez eared aright, mum, *' me frind " is jist what he 
was sayin'. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 



19 



Mrs. M. O Richard ! how low you have fallen. Alas ! 
how true it is, " a man is known by the company he keeps." 
I little thought your friends would be found among circus 
clowns and— a — horse jockeys. (Mean, coniiols langhier 
with difficulty) 
. Mer. But, my dear madam — 

Com. Why, aunt, you do not understand. Mr. Merrigale 
is neither a horse jockey nor a clown, but a genlkn.an of 
leisure. His clothes were so dirty that I insisted upon his 
wearing one of my suits, but by mistake he put on a 
masquerading costume. Looks funny, doesn't he.? {Laifghs 
and is joined by Mean.) 

Mean, {aside) The idea! took him for a circus clown ! 
Served him right though. 

Mrs. M. (y^ith dionitj) It seems strange that a gentle- 
man of means, such as you hold your friend to be, should 
wear unclean clothing, and I cannot imagine why you 
should have in your possession such a costume. (Meander 
laughs.) Richard, who is that individual ? 

Com. That ! why you know, that's — {suddenly recollect- 
ing), I — I — I really don't know, aunt. 

Mean, {aside) He just saved himself. 

Mer. {aside) What's Dickie talking about? 

Mrs. M. I am pleased that you do not know him ; he 
has done nothing but insult me ever since I entered the 
house. 

Com. Insult you ! 

Sal. Thet's jist what I belave he has bin a-doin', as we 
all on us knows. 

Mrs. M. He is very objectionable, Richard; please see 
that he is removed. (Mean, whistles) 

Com. {ha7ightily) Would you be so kind as to absent 
yourself, sir. {Aside to Mean.) Uncle, you'll find some 
choice cigars in the smoking-room. 

Mean, {jHsing) I never smoke, but I shall withdraw from 
this apartment with great pleasure. {Exit d. r.) 

Com. George, I know that you are partial to a good 
cigar — 

Mer. Yes, your knowledge is correct ; you know my 
weakness, and if you will excuse me, I will join your uncle. 
{Exit D. r.) 

Mrs. M. {throwing her arms around Comfort) O 
Richard ! my life is not a happy one ! 

Sal. Nor moine, nather. mum. 

Mrs. M. Sarah, you will refrain from those unnecessary 
remarks. 



20 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Sal. I — I was mainen on account of 'im, mum ; and 
sayin' yez a-pinin' yez own swate silf away, mum. 

Mrs. M. Yes, alas ! it is too true ! Here, Sarah, take 
my hat and shawl {gives them to her. Beginniiig to cry) 
I am pining myself into a shadow ; I am so ill-treated. 

Com. That's too bad. Do you have many — many quar- 
rels? 

Mrs. M. {crying) Their name is legion. 

Sal. For they are many. She quarrels with 'im all the 
toime, sor. 

Mrs. M. {sterfil}^ Sarah 1 / never quarrel. 

Sal. In course yez don't, mum ; it's 'im thet quarrels. 

Mrs. M. {throwing her arms arowid Com. and laying her 
head oji his shoidder^ I am so ill-treated that I have not 
where to lay my weary head. 

Com. {aside) She appears to have had practice some- 
where. 

Mrs. M. Even my husband considers me a burden. 

Com. {aside) She is a trifle heavy. 

Mrs. M. I have become in his eyes his servant ; a mere 
dependent. 

Com. {aside) She acts like a hanger-on. 

Mrs. M. Ah, Richard, if you were married, you would 
understand. 

Com. {starting) Married ! ha-ha, the idea of my marry- 
ing. {Enter Mrs. C. d. f.) 

Mrs. M. But you will marry some day. {Enter Mean. 
and Mer. d. r., Mer. smoki?ig.) 

Com. But I am ?iot married, nor have I any desire to be. 
(Mrs. Q..' screams) 

Mrs. M. {turning) Richard, who is this woman ? 

Com. {confused) Oh ! that — a — she — you know — she is 
my — my maid-servant. {Enter Har. d. f. ca7^rying boxes. 
Mrs. C. lea?is against hv7t.) Tableau. 



Act II. 

SCENE. — Same as Act I Boxes piled by talle. Harris 
discovered dusting. 

Har. I can't understand it. The governor never acted 
like this before; leastwise not since I've knowed him. 
He must have somethin' on his mind — that is, on part of 
his mind — I'm afear'd the t'other part h'aint there. {Tapping 
his foi^ehead) I'm afeared he's just a little queer kinder, as it 
were. The idea of blamin' everything on me, when I never 
done nothin' ; and then talking about parrots and one thing 
an' another ; tellin' me go fetch the parrot in the right wing 
an' not to come back until I done it. Dog me cats ! I'd 
never have got back at all if it hadn't a-been for the missus, 
an' them boxes. {Looking at boxes by table) Just look at 'em ; 
I had to carry 'em up-stairs two at onct, and it warn't no 
easy job, nuther. Wonder what's in 'em ? {Examines.) 
{Enter Com. d. l. 2.) 

Com. {sharply) Harris ! (Har. starts) Leave those boxes 
alone 1 

Har. Yes, sir ; I was goin' to — when you came in — 

Com. You were going to do nothing of the kind. {Goes 
to table.) 

Har. Goin' to do what, sir ? 

Com. {angrily) Leave the room ! 

Har. No, sir ; I warn't. 

Com. Leave the room, do you hear ! 

Har. {meekly) Yes, sir {aside) I'm afeared he's a little 
touched in the 'ead, as it were {going). 

Com. {calling) Harris ! 

Har. {stopping) Yes, sir. 

Com. {sitting) You may think that I have been acting in 
— a — a somewhat peculiar manner to-day. 

Har. Seein' as it were you, sir, I didn't think nothin' on it. 

Com. {angrily) What! 

Har. I — I mean, sir, it warn't for me to think. You can 
act as it pleases you, sir. 

Com. Oh ! I can ? 

Har. Yes, sir. 

Com. {dryly) Thank you. 

21 



22 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Har. {snrpT'ised) Sir! 

Com. I said, " Thank you." 

Har. Yes, sir. {Aside) I'm sure I don't know what 
he's thankin' me for. 

Com. Perhaps I may have blamed you for one or two 
little things that you did not do. 

Har. If I might be so bold, sir, I will say, that now you 
speak on it, perhaps there was one or two little matters that 
I didn't hexactly know what your meanin' were. 

Com. {iJwughtfully) Yes, perhaps there were, but — 
they were necessary. 

Har. Yes, sir. {Hesitating) A-a might I ask, sir, what 
parrot I was to fetch by the wing, as it were ? 

Com. Never mind the parrot, Harris ; it is an unpleas- 
ant subject. {Gives money) Here, take this. 

Har. {aside) He is certainly crazy. 

Com. And be sure and say nothing to t'le o'lier servants 
of this conversation. Now you may leave the room. 

HaR. Thank ye, sir. {Exit d. f.) 

Com. What a dumb-head that iellow is. By George ! 
here's my play ; I had forgotten it. My rest, between the 
acts, has been a long one, but it can hardly be called a rest ; 
never worked harder in m}^ life. Since I started upon my 
diplomatic career — we will give it the beneht of the doubt 
and call it diplomacy — I have told so many lies that now 
they come without my assistance — in fact, they almost say 
themselves, and I have great difficulty in keeping them 
back. They are cheap, but very uselul ; the question is 
whether I won't have to pay for them some day. I am. 
afraid the bill will be a large one, for I keep a running 
account. Now that Edith has returned, my ingenuity will 
be taxed to its utmost. How in the deuce did Edith get 
back so soon ? She must have bought the paper in the 
village ; I'll wager the stationer made his fortune. I iiave 
said nothing to her since her return ; haven't had the 
chance, and I can't say that I desire one. {Enter Mrs. C. 
D. L. I, goes toward d. f.) Com. {rising) By jove ! the chance 
has come {getting in her way). My dear Edith, I — 

Mrs. C. {very liaughtily) Sir! 

Com. {stepping aside quickly') I — I merely wished to in- 
quire if you — you had paid the freight on these boxes. 

Mrs. C. I have no reply to make. {Exit d. f.) 

Com. Fhew ! 1 feel crushed {sits at table) {tiyingtolangh) 
Ha-ha-ha- ; I don't care ; it's a good joke {laugJwig very 
weakl}') ha-ha {picks np peii) I must work {starts to write.) 
Mer. enteri7ig d. r. on tiptoe^ still in clown's costume^ 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 23 

Com. {throwing pen on floor) Confound it ! I have no 
ideas. 

Mer. Shew! That's nothing new. Don't make such a 
noise, old man ; you'll waken him. 

Com. Waken whorh ? 

Mer. Your uncle ; I left him in the smoking-room, trying 
to raise the roof. My, how he does snore. I was telling 
him one of my best stories, too, and would you believe it, 
he fell fast asleep. 

Com. That was only natural. 

Mer. Very unnatural I call it. The story was good ; 
about a man, you know, that — 

Com. {interrupting) Sorry, George, but I am very busy to- 
day, please postpone your interesting tale. 

Mer. Well, I want— 

Com. No stories, George ; {aside) I have a monopoly on 
stories. 

Mer. All right then, some other time ; but I wan't to 
ask you about that maid-servant, I would like to — 

Com. {angrily) Hang the maid-servant ! 

Mer. Hang her ! oh ! no, I — 

Com. Then shoot her ! 

Mer. Why, Dick, old fellow, what ails you ? 

Com. Nothing. {A pause) If you really must know the 
truth about her I suppose I will have to tell you. {Aside) 
Now for another lie. {To Mer.) She is a relation of 
mine. 

Mer. Oh! that accounts for your interest in her. 

Com. My interest ! It strikes me you show the more in- 
terest of the two. 

Mer. But how is it that she is in your employ as a ser- 
vant? 

Com. {hesitating) Well — she is not exactly my maid. 

Mer. Your housekeeper perhaps. 

Com. {quickly) Yes, my housekeeper. {Aside) Why 
didn't I think of that before. {To Mer.) She was poor 
and alone in the world, you know, so I thought it was only 
charitable to give her a home. I tell you this, Merrigale, so 
that in case you notice any familiarity on her part toward 
me you will understand. 

Mer. Yes, certainly. I knew she was not an ordinary 
servant ; and, by the w^ay, old ma i, I'm afraid you hurt her 
feelings by calling her a maid; these poor relations are of- 
ten very sensitive, you know. 

Com. It was rather unkind, I admit. {Aside, looking off 
D. F.) Byjove! here she comes. I must keep them from 



24 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

meeting. (To Mer.) George, quick, hide yourself ! {Taking 
his arm) Here, back of this screen ! 

Mer. What's the matter, old man ? 

Com. My — my housekeeper is coming. 

Mer. I don't mind meeting her. 

Com. Yes, but I — I wish to apologize to her, and I would 
rather do it without your assistance. Make haste ! {Pushes 
Mer. back of screen) {Enter Mrs. C. d. f. — Com. leans 
agai7ist table and looks in another direction}^ 

Mrs. C. {after pause, pleadingly) Dick ! 

Com. Please don't call me Dick. You know I never 
like you to call me by my first name before company, I — I 
mean when we have company. 

Mrs. C. Why, Dick! 

Com. There you go again. 

Mrs. C. You know I always call you " Mr. Comfort " 
before people, but {looki?ig arotmd) — but there's no one 
here. 

Com. {quickly) Of course there isn't. {Nervously) Who — 
who said there was ? 

Mrs. C. Oh ! won't you tell me what is the matter ? 
What have I done ? Are you ill ? 

Com. No, certainly not. 
. Mrs. C. Then why do you act so strangely ? Why did 
you call me a maid ? 

Com. That was a mistake, a lapsus lingua — I — I am 
sorry. 

Mrs. C. Won't you kiss me and tell me you love me ? 

Com. {coughs nervously) Why, of course not ; I — I 
couldn't do that. 

Mrs. C. {beginning to cry) Don't you love me, Dick ? 

Com. {aside) What will George think of this? {To 
Mrs. C.) Now you mustn't act that way. We have talked 
this matter over before, and you know my' feelings toward 
you perfectly well ; it would not only be utterly useless for 
me to tell you that I loved you, but — a — but under the cir- 
cumstances, ridiculous, 

Mrs. C. {stopping ctying) I see it all ; you do not love 
me. You sent me out of the house so that you could make 
love to another woman. Who was that woman ? {Becom- 
ing excited) You are afraid to tell me. 

Com. You ought to know who she is. 

Mrs. C. You have forgotten the woman you once loved. 
Vou have forgotten her whom you promised to — 

Com. I promised nothing ; you are talking nonsense. 

Mrs. C. Oh ! of course, you say so. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 25 

Com. I am perfectly willing to tell you who the lady 
was. 

Mrs. C. I do not wish to hear. 

Com. But I want to — 

Mrs. C. I won't listen to you {goes toward d, l. i). 

Com. But you must. 

Mrs. C. I won't. {Exit d. l. i, shicts and locks door.) 

Mer. {coming from behitid screeri) Has she gone. I'm 
glad you hid me, old fellow. 

Com. {dryly) So am I. 

Mer. She appeared slightly agitated; what have you 
been doing to worry her so ? 

Com. Nothing whatever ; it is simply a woman's whim. 

Mer. Ah! that accounts for it; I never could under- 
stand these women. But say, old man, don't you think you 
are a little hard on her, she seems very fond of you. 

Com. {ijidifferently) You think so ? 

Mer. Yes, judging from appearances. 

Com. That's just the trouble. I don't object to her being 
fond of me — in fact, I rather admire her taste — but I don't 
like her to show it. {Aside) Not to-day at least. 

Mer. But don't you think you ought to make some 
allowance ? Perhaps she is naturally of a suspicious nature, 
and possessing a deep feeling for you — as her benefactor 
you know — she is jealous when you show attention to 
others. 

Com. But I am not attentive to others. 

Mer. Perhaps not, Dickie, perhaps not ; you used to be, 
you know. 

Com. {angrily) Confound it ! Merrigale, I know more 
about this matter than you. 

Mer. Well you ought to. 

Com. {aside) I wish I didn't. {To Mer.) And your advice 
is not asked or wanted. 

Mer. Now, don't get angry, old man ; no offense in- 
tended, I assure you. 

Com. Well, please drop the subject, once and for all. 

Mer. Certainly, if you wish it. {Enter Harris d. f.) 

Har. The man wants to know, sir, how long he has to 
wait before you pay him, sir. 

Com. What man ? 

Har. The man 'as brought them boxes, sir ; he's waitin' 
ever since he came. 

Com. Of course he has, you idiot. 

Har. Yes, sir. 

Com. I didn't ask him to wait. 



26 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Har. Nor me neither, sir. 

Com. Why didn't you tell me before ? Send him up ;but 
no, 1 will go down. {Aside) I don't want the fellow to blurt 
out anything aoout my wiie, before Merrigale. {Exit Com. 
D. F.) 

Mer. Harris, where is Mrs. Meander? 

Har. I don't know, sir ; fightin' with her husband, I 
reckon. 

Mer. Her what ! 

Har. Her husband, sir; maybe you thinks as Mrs. 
Meander hadn't a husband, but she has. 

Mer. I don't understand this. 

Har. There ain't nothin' to understand. 

Mer. Who is her husband.'* Not Dick's — I — I mean 
Mr. Comfort's uncle ! 

Har. Why, in course; she's his aunt. 

Mer. But w^iy did she change her name ? 

Har. {cimckling) I guess that's what he often wonders, sir. 

Mer. {aside) This is ver}^ singular ; why does she take 
the name of Meander instead ol Comfort. If I could only 
have a talk with that charming housekeeper, perhaps she 
could explain matters ; there is certainly some mystery 
about Dick's relations. 

Mer. {To Har.) I would like to have a few moments' 
conversation with the housekeeper.* 

Har. {surprised) The housekeeper! W^e ain't got no 
housekeeper, sir ; the house keeps itself, except when Mrs. 
Comfort keeps it. 

Mer. Mrs. Comfort! You don't mean the old lady ? 

Har. That aint for me to say, sir, although I believe Mr. 
Comfort does call her that sometimes {Imighs). 

Mer. But I didn't know she lived here. 

Har. Not live here ! She's here most of the time, sir, 
except when she's away. She stays in town sometimes, sir. 

Mer. {aside) No wonder Dick is worried; I suppose 
these two women quarrel all the time. {To Har.) Where 
is the maid ? 1 wish to see her. 

Har. The maid, sir! 

Mer. {sharply) Yes, the house-maid ; 3'^ou seem surprised 
at everything I say; Sally, I think her name is; I thought 
she was the housekeeper. {Aside) These servants are 
always jealous of one another. 

Har. Sally ain't no more the housekeeper than I am, 
sir. 

Mer. Well, whether she is or not, I wish to see her; 
tell her to come here. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 2/ 

Har. Yes, sir. {Aside) What's he want with Sally I 
wonder. {Exit Harris d. l. 2.) 

Mer. Very mysterious, very! {Enter Mean. d. r.) 
{Aside) Hare cones old comfortable, evidently just 
awakened. (7b Mean.) Well, sir, did you succeed .^ 

Mk\^. {sh2rf)lv) Succeed! Succeed in what .? 

Mer. In raising the roof; I left you hard at work. Your 
efforts certainly merited success. 

Mean. Your words are meaningless. You left me very 
abruptly, interrupting my remarks in an extremely rude 
manner, sir. 

Mer. {laiighifi'f) Ha-ha-ha, what are you talking about ? 
It WIS you who interrupted my remarks. You snored so 
loudly that I had to stop my story — it was a good one, 
too. 

Mean. Snore I I never snore, sir ; never! 

Mer. {sarcasfical/v) Of course not; I suppose you never 
fall asleep eithar. You vv^ere not napping in the smoking- 
room, were you ? 

Mean. Certainly not, sir; certainly not. No doubt you 
were asleep yourself. 

Mer. Yes, no doubt, and dreamed that I was you ; what 
nonsense ! All I have to say is, that if what I heard isn't a 
sample of your snoring powers, I don't care to hear one. 
{Aside) Thundsr storms always frighten me. (T^Mean.) 
No wonder you and your wife are always quarreling. 

Mean, {au^rilv) How dire you make slighting remarks 
in reference to my family affairs ! You know nothing about 
such matters. 

Mer. No, I'm a bachelor. 

Mean. That accounts for your ignorance ; how true it 
is, "He jests at scars who never felt a wound." {Miisingh') 
A bachelor ! How sweet the word sounds. Young man, 
in order that you may learn never to jest about matrimonial 
affairs, I will tell you a story. {Si/s.) 

Mer. You wouldn't listen to mine. 

Mean. Yours was told to provoke laughter, and mirth, 
mine teaches a good and wholesome lesson. 

Mer. {aside) Evidently nothing witty is to be expected 
{sifs). 

Mean. The story is a sad and doleful one ; short, but full 
of pathos. 

•Mer. {aside, taking out handkerchief) The prospect is 
gloomy. 

Mean. Long ago — {mnsi?igly) How long it seems . 

Mer. How long ago did you say ? 



20 BETWttJN iJtrib ACTS. 

Mean. I did not say. Long ago, a young man, then at 
the age of thirty-five. 

Mer. {aside) A mere child. 

Mean. Met an attractive young widow — 

Mer {interrupting) Fell in love, they were married and 
lived happily ever after ; moral, always marry widows ; 
those stories are all alike. 

Mean, (^joith dignity) You will be kind enough not to 
interrupt. It is true, the young man fell desperately in 
love. ^ 

Mer. {half aside) Of course, they all do. 

Mean. His love was returned — 

Mer. C. O. D.? 

Mean. (<?;/^r?A') Your jesting is exceedingly malapropos, 
sir. You will kindly allow me to finish my story in my own 
way. 

Mer. Certainly, sir, this is your story. 

Mean. You seem to have forgotten the fact. As I re- 
marked, the young man's aff"ection was reciprocated. 

Mer. {aside) The widow was evidently a Republican. 

Mean. They were married, but contrary to all expecta- 
tions, they did not live happily. 

Mer {aside) An exceptional case. 

Mean. The wife did her utmost to provoke the hus- 
band's wrath. 

Mer. Of course the wife was to blame for everything. 

Mean. Certainly, sir ! for everything ! 

Mer. {sarcastically) They always are. 

Mean. Ahvays. She had been so accustomed to manag- 
ing her first husband — who was an invalid — that she ex- 
pected " number two " to yield everything also. 

Mer. But " number two " thought differently. 

Mean. Yes, sir, very differently. //<? doesn't yield every- 
thing ; oh no ! far from it. 

Mer. That is certainly a tale of woe. 

Mean, {iinpi^essively) Young man, I stand before you the 
living example of what an unhappy married life will do. 
{Slowly and sole77inly) I married that widow. 

Mer. Well, judging from appearances, I should hardly 
call you a happy man. 

Mean. Far from it, and yet I have my happy moments. 

Mer. Impossible ! 

Mean. These quarrels with my wife are only occasional, 
and when the eagle of gory war has taken his flight and 
the white dove of peace once again hovers over our lives, 
tnen we are happy as oi yore. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 29 

Mer. Well, if I were you, I would wring that gory ea- 
gle's neck and cage the dove of peace ; then you could keep 
it by you. 

Mean. Your metaphors are mixed. 

Mer. Perhaps they are ; I don't often dabble in meta- 
phors. {Enter Mrs. M. d. l. 2.) 

Mean. Many times have I regretted that I ever married. 
I was a young fool then. 

Mrs. M. Yes — you're older now. (Mean and Mer. 
start^ 

Mer. {aside) Now for a scene. Perhaps I can prevent 
one. {To Mrs. M.) Madam, your husband was just speak- 
ing of you. 

Mrs. M. {dryly) Yes, I heard it. 

Mer. But — a — madam, you misunderstand ; I meant 
favorably of course, favorably. 

Mrs. M. It sounded so. 

Mer. He was saying how sad he felt that husband and 
wife were always quarreling. 

Mean. I said nothing of the kind, Merriblow. 

Mer. Well — of — a — of course not those words exactly, 
but — a — they — had that meaning, I'm sure they had. 

Mrs. M. Young man, I am not in need of an interpreter, 
my hearing is still good, and I wish to say, that the name 
denoting foolishness, is, in my opinion, very appropriate to 
this — this person ; if he had called himself an idiot, he would 
have spoken the truth also. 

Mean. Merriblow, she is a good judge of idiots. 

Mrs. M. I ought to be. 

Mean. That's so, she ought to be. 

Mer. My dear friends, this is terrible, do try to control 
yourselves. 

Mean. I have no doubt I was an idiot when I married. 

Mrs. M. And never got over it. 

Mean. Ha-ha. I suppose you, I mean she, thinks that 
awfully funny. 

Mrs. M. He seems to enjoy it. It is exceedingly ap- 
propriate for nobody to laugh at nothing. 

Mean. She calls herself" nothing ; " I was trying to laugh 
at her. 

Mrs. M. He couldn't find a better subject. 

Mean. No, not to laugh at. {Enter Comfort d. f.) 

Mer. My dear, sir, for the love of peace, do be calm ; 
these remarks will only create trouble. {Sees Com.) Ah, 
Dick, do try and pacify your uncle and aunt, they have 
been — a — been misunderstanding each other. 



30 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Mrs. M. Yo7i were not asked to interfere, sir. 

Mean. The matter does not concern you in the least. 

Mer. Thank Heaven, there is one point upon which you 
agree. 

Mer. {aside to Com.) Dick, can't you reconcile them ? 

Com. {aside to Mer.) Suppose you withdraw and 1 will 
try the part of peacemaker. 

Mer. {aside to Com.) 1 wish you luck ; I will go clothe 
myself in my own garments — they must be ready for me by 
this time — these are becoming a little too monotonous. 
{Exit Mer. d. l. 2.) 

CoiNi. Uncle Meander, wouldn't you like to go in the 
smoking-room and — 

Mean, {interriipting) No, I wouldn't ; I don't smoke, I 
told you, and I have spent far too much valuable time in 
that room for one day. 

Com. Well, then, one of these other rooms {pointing to 
tLsleft). 

Mean. No, that is the enemy's country. 

Mrs. M, Richard, there is no necessity for him to with- 
draw ; I consider my time too valuable to waste here. 

Com. My dear aunt, I do not wish to disturb you, 
I— 

Mrs. M. It will be a pleasure to go ; there are some un- 
pleasant remembrances, Richard, which one is glad to leave 
behind. {Exit Mrs. M. d. l. 2, haughtily) 

Mean. That cut was meant for me. {Latighs weakly) 

Com. {after pause) Uncle, don't you think it a pity that 
you and Aunt Clementina quarrel so continually? 

Mean. Yes, Richard, I am willing to confess I do think 
it a pity. But w^e do not quarrel continually, oh no ! only 
occasionally. This happens to be a little stronger than 
usual, that's all. Still, I think it a pity, a great pity. 

Com. Then why do you do it ? 

Mean. I don't ; it isn't my fault. 

Com. Oh ! that's always the way ! 

Mean. Yes, always. 

Com. Adam started the fashion by blaming Eve, and 
ever since then husbands have been unwilling to think 
themselves in the wrong. 

Mean. Then it is Adam's fault. 

Com. I've no doubt you are to blame just as much as 
Aunt Clementina. 

Mean. Well, perhaps you are right. I do not enjoy 
being at enmity with my wife, but — a — 

Com. But you do not know how to alter matters ? I'll 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 3 1 

tell you. Go to Aunt Clemsntina, tell her that 3'ou are sorry 
for what has happened and — • 

Mean, {iiiterruptino^) Oh ! I couldn't do that. 

Com. It is the only way. 

Mean. Imagine my telling her I was sorry; the shock 
would kill her. 

Com. Oh ! no, not so bad as that, although no doubt it 
would be a surprise. 

Mean. I should say so. 
' Com. a pleasant one, though. Come now, uncle, prove 
to her it is the unexpected that always happens ; that 
there is something new under the sun. 

Mean. Richard, my boy, I believe you are right. {Taking 
his ha?id) I'll try it. You ought to be a married man ; I 
believe you would make a good one. 

Com. {eagerly) You think so. 

Mean. But, you're tiot married, and I guess it's just as 
well. {Enter Sally d. f.) 

Sal. I come as soon as I could lave my work, sor. 

Mean, {angidly) Who asked you to come at all ! In my 
opinion the sooner you " lave " here the better. 

Sal. I knows thim as doesn't ask ye're opinion. {To 
Com.) I was informed thet there circus clown was after 
wantin' to say me, sor. 

Mean. Well, he's "after wantin' to say" you now, so, 
Sally, you may leave the room. 

Sal. Me name's not Sally, me name's " Sarie " in 
Frinch. 

Mean. I don't care what you're name is in " Frinch " 
or Chinese or any other language ; it's Sally in English. 
{Enter Mrs. M. d.'l. 2.) 

Mrs. M. Sarah, go pack my bag instandy ! 

Sal. Why, mum, I thought — • 

Mrs. M. No matter what you thought ; instantly ! do you 
hear ! 

Sal. Yes'm, I 'ears. {Exit d. l. 2.) 

Mean. My dear Clementina, I want to — 

Mrs. M. {snappishlv') Hold your tongue, sir ; how dare 
you call me by my maiden name ! 

Mean, {aside to Com.) Now, whose fault wgs that? 

Com. {aside to Mean.) Don't you see she is in a temper.? 

Mean, {aside to Com.) That's nothing unusual. 

Com. {aside to Mean.) You ought to speak to her when 
she can listen to reason. 

Mean, {aside to Com.) She never can. 

Com. Not now, while she is excited. ( To Mrs. M.) My 



32 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

dear aunt, why do you wish your bag packed ? You are not 
going to leave, are you ? 

Mrs. M. {sarcastically) Oh ! certainly not, I expect to stay 
forever. 

Com. {aside) I hope not. {Aside to Mean.) Uncle, I think 
you had better retire, until the storm blow^s over ; come 
with me into the garden. {To Mrs. M.) Aunt Clementina, 
you will excuse us, while I show uncle the grounds ? 

Mean. Just as you think best Richard, I shall go and get 
my hat. {Exit d. r.) 

Mrs. M. I think a little air would do your uncle much 
good. 

Com. {aside) It is easy enough to play the part of a sign- 
post and point the way of peace to unhappy couples, but 
unfortunately the sign-post remains in the same spot. I 
wish some one would show me the way to peace with my 
wife. {Enter Mean. d. r.) (Tc'Mean.) Are you ready, uncle. 
{Exit Mean and Com. d. f.) 

Mrs. M. I can't endure it, and I sha'n't endure it. I shall 
not remain here to be insulted. He treats me shamefully, 
outrageously ! Poor dear Mr. Barnes never treated me so. 
And then he blames me for everything when it is always his 
fault. If he would only acknowledge that he is in the wrong 
I could forgive him, but unless he does, we shall be 
strangers forever. {Enter Mrs. C. d. l. i.) 

Mrs. C. {7wt perceiving Mrs. M.) I nmst see him. 

Mrs. M. {sharply) See whom ? 

Mrs. C. {starting — aside) That woman here ! 

Mrs. M. {aside) Sarah should have packed my bag by 
this time. {To Mrs. C.) Just run up to my room and tell my 
maid I wash to see her, will you ? 

Mrs. C. {haughtily) I am not accustomed to receive com- 
mands from strangers. 

Mrs. M. {sarcastically) Oh ! you are not ? {aside) We'll 
see as to that. {To Mrs. C.) What difference does it make 
whether I am a stranger to you or not ? As long as I am 
in Mr. Comfort's house and — 

Mrs. C. What right have you to be here ? 

Mrs. M. What right ! You are impudence personified ! 
I have every right ! What business is it of yours .? 

Mrs. C. {quietly) I think Mr. Comfort has made it my 
business. 

Mrs. M. Made it your business! it's false! go, do as I 
bid you immediately ! do you hear ! 

Mrs. C. And what right have you to give me orders ? 

Mrs. M. Mr. Comfort has certainly given vie a right. I 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. ^3 

am a very dear relation of his; {half aside) I am sure his 
dearest relation. 

Mrs. C. It isn't true ! you came here just to make 
trouble ; you can't deny it ! you are trying to win his affec- 
tion from me ; but you can't succeed, he loves me, and me 
alone. 

Mrs. M. Loves you! {aside) The girl must be crazy. 
(76> Mrs. C.) Come, I have heard enough; I shall report 
what you have said to Mr. Comfort. You are presumptuous 
beyond all words ! 

Mrs. C. {excitedly) You shall not remain in this house 
another moment ; go ! go I say ! Leave instantly ! {calling) 
Harris ! 

Mrs. M. Do you, a mere servant, a common maid, dare 
to address me in this manner! I shall report you im- 
mediately ; we will see which one shall leave ; you or I — 
we'll see. {Exit d. l. 2.) 

Mrs. C. That woman shall leave, {calling) Harris ! {Enter 
Har. d. f.) 

Har. Yes, sir, I — mean ma'am. 

Mrs. C. Wh^re is Mr. Comfort ? 

Har. In the garding, watchin' the rosebugs, as it were, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. C. Tell him I wish to see him right away. 

Har. He's showing the old gentleman around the ground, 
ma'am ; pointin' out the beauties of the spot, as he said, 
ma'am, the perspective on one thing an' another, as it ^ere. 

Mrs. C. Did you hear me ! I desire to see him im- 
mediately. 

Har. Yes, sir, I — I mean ma'am. {Aside) I'm afeared 
we're goin to 'ave a squall. {Exit d. f.) 

Mrs. C. Dick must send her away, or I shall go. Can 
it be that he no longer loves me ? That he cares for this 
other woman ? I hate her ! I never was so unhappy in all 
my life ; but sooner than remain and see him make love to 
another, I will separate from him forever. I will if it kills ! 
{Throws herself into a chair, and cries) {Enter Sally d. l. 2 
— bringing bag.) 

Sally {throwing bag on floor) There's her auld packed 
bag. I'm jist wurked to dith, thet's what I am. {seeing Mrs. 
C.) Yez lazy crature ! settin' round a' doin' nothin'. Where's 
Mr. Comfort? (Mrs. Comfort stops crying) What yez 
cryin' about ; yez big blubberin' baby 3^ez. Where's Mr. 
Comfort, I asked yez ? 

Mrs. C. {wiping her eyes) How dare you speak to me 
so ? 



34 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Sally. How dare me ! ha-ha — did yez iver hear the 
loike of that ! how dare me ! I dare spake to yez or iny 
other man loike yez, jist as I think bist, an the sooner yez 
know that, the bitter it'll be for yez. 

Mrs. C. {rising) Leave the room instantly ! 

Sally. An' thet's jist what I'll do, but not from iny of 
yez tellin' me. I'm glad to git out of the soight of the loikes 
of yez. I'll tell on yez, niver be afeared of thet ! 

Mrs. C. Leave, do you hear ! 

Sally. The missus will know that yez wouldn't till a 
leddy where Mr. Comfort were ; yez great big overdressed, 
blub'berin' baby yez. Why don't yez driss loike a female 
maid thet yez be, an' not be a-puttin' on airs loike a leddy 
thet yez aren't. I'll tell on yez ! {Exit d. l. 2.) 

Mrs. C. What does this mean ? 

Sally (^without') Git out of me way, yez circus clown yez. 
{Enter Mer. d. l. 2, dressed in own suit.) 

Mer. {looking off Yi. L. 2) A very impudent maid ! there is 
too much French about her, that's the trouble ; now if she 
were only Irish she might not be so exuberant and — a — 
and hilarious. {Seeing Mrs. Com. confused) I — I beg your 
pardon, madam, I — I should say miss ; I beg your pardon ; 
do I — do I intrude ? I — I was looking for Dick — Mr. Com- 
fort, you know. {Aside) What a refined looking girl. 

Mrs. C. I expect Mr. C. here presently ; may I — may I 
ask your name ? 

Mer. Certainly, ma'am, certainly. (^^/<f(?) Charming man- 
ners ; Dick is a brute. {A panse) 

Mrs. C. And pray what is your name ? 

Mer. Merrigale, madam, I — I mean miss, Mr. George 
Merrigale. 

Mrs. C. Mr. Merrigale ! why I have frequently heard 
Mr. Comfort speak of you ; 3'ou are an old friend of his, 
are you not ? 

Mer. I flatter myself to that extent. 

Mrs. C. {hesitati?ig) Then as a friend, perhaps — perhaps 
you will tell me whether you have noticed anything peculiar 
in his actions to-day ; do you think he has been working 
too hard ? 

Mer. Yes, no doubt that is it ; been working too hard 
of course ; hard work will tell on the best of us, you know ; 
I never could stand it. {Aside) I think Dick is going crazy 
myself, but it wouldn't do to tell her so. 

Mrs. C. He has been acting so strangely toward me, 
ever since early this morning ; he has never been this way 
before. I was beginning to fear that he cared for — that it 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 35 

was some other — trouble, but it can't be that, oh no ! it can't 
be that. It must be overwork. 

Mer. Of course ; Dick always was a hard worker. 

Mrs. C. You — you never thought — I — I mean you never 
noticed that he — he cared for — I should say, was attentive 
to any woman, did you ? 

Mer. Well no, not recently ; but to speak the truth, Dick 
was once very much in love with — 

Mrs. C. In love ! with whom ? 

Mer. {quickly) Oh ! that was sometime — a very long time 
ago. Some think he got over it, in fact, he himself told me 
only to-day that he cared for no woman, but I do not 
believe it. I know more about this matter than people 
imagine and I have overheard some things which make 
me certain that Dick loves her still. 

Mrs. C. {excitedly') It's false, sir ! I do not believe a word 
of it ; you know it is untrue ! 

Mer. {aside) By jove ! what an idiot I am to tell her this. 
{To Mrs. C ) No, of course not, certainly it isn't true. I've 
no doubt the whole story is entirely without foundation. 
{Enter Mrs. M. d. l. 2.) 

Mrs. M. So you refused to tell my maid where Mr. Com- 
fort was, did you ? You shall pay for it ! I shall seek him 
myself, and when I find him you shall leave the house. 
{Exit D. F.) 

Mrs. C. {half aside) That woman again! she maddens 
me ! {To Mer.) Tell me, who is she ? do you know ? 

Mer. Why, that's Mrs. Comfort ! 

Mrs. C. Mrs. Comfort ? you are deceiving me ? 

Mer. No, I am sure of it. 

Mrs. C. It's not true ! I am Mrs. Comfort. 

Mer. {astonished) You, Mrs. Comfort ! I — I did not know 
you were married. {Enter' Com., Mrs. M. and Mean. d. f.) 

Mrs. C. I repeat, sir, I am Richard Comfort's wife. 

Mer. Dick's wife ! 

Mrs. M. What's this ? 

Mrs. C. {tu7'ning) There stands my husband and having 
a legal right as his wife, I demand that that woman {points 
to Mrs. M.) leave the house. Tableau. 

Curtaiju 



Act IIL 
SCENE.— 6"^;^^ as Act land 11. 

(Mer. discovered front of stage reading paper') It's of 
no use. {Lays paper dow?i) My thoughts will wander. 
I will make one more mighty effort to forget the past. 
( 7\ikes up paper upside-down and attempts to read) I can't 
do it. I have lost all interest in the news of the day ; 
even prize fights have no charm. What can it all mean ? 

Dick's wife ! He declared he was unmarried. It seems 
to be only a question of which one is to be believed; 
the benefit of the doubt belongs to the lady. Perhaps he 
is ashamed of her, but why ? I don't understand it. {As 
if struck by a sudden thought) By jove ! I see it ! Dick 
must have married his maid and naturally is ashamed to 
confess it, especially as his uncle seems averse to his marry- 
ing. He can't have been married very long, for it has only 
been about a year since he was engaged to — a — that other 
girl. What was her name ? I have forgotten it. No doubt 
she heard of his attentions to this maid and broke the en- 
gagement. {Enter Har. d. f.) 

Har. Did you see Sally, sir? I sent her to you. 

Mer. Yes, I saw her ; where is Mrs. Comfort? 

Har. I don' know where she is just now, sir ; with Mr. 
Comfort, I reckon; they has had a Httle squall, sir, as it 
were. 

Mer. I don't mean Mr. Comfort's aunt. 

Har. I didn't think as you did, sir ; I didn't, nuther. 

Mer. {aside) Can it be that he doesn't know Dick is 
married; I must go cautiously. {To Har.) I mean Sally; 
the maid, you know. 

Har. Yes, sir, I know Sally's the maid. You said Mrs. 
Comfort, sir. I reckon Mr. Comfort wouldn't like to have 
his wife called a maid ; leastways I wouldn't. 

Mer. No, of course he wouldn't. 

Har. But you did it, sir; you asked me where Mrs. 
Comfort were and then said you meant Sally. 

Mer. {aside) He evidently suspects nothing; Dick is 
keeping'it a close secret. 
36 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 37 

Har. Mrs. Comfort doesn't look any more like Sally, 
sir, then I look like a ton of coal. 

Mer. Mrs. who ? 

Har. Yes, sir. 

Mer. What did you say ? 

Har. Like a ton of coal, sir. 

Mer. No, no ; who was the person that was unlike 
Sally ? 

Har. Mrs. Comfort, sir. 

Mer. You mean old Mrs. Comfort, of course. 

Har. She aint old, sir. 

Mer. Well, that's a matter of opinion. 

Har. She's young- and pretty. 

Mer. Pretty ! That's a matter of opinion also. (Aside) 
The idea of calling Dick's aunt young and pretty. (To 
Har.) I can't say, Harris, that I admire your taste. 

Har. Why Mr. Comfort wouldn't never have married 
her, if he hadn't thought her pretty, sir, no more than I 
wouldn't. 

Mer. The old man drew a blank then, that is to say, as 
far as her looks are concerned. 

Har. The old man, sir ! 

Mer. {angj'ih) Yes, the old man; are you deaf? 

Har. What do you mean, sir. 

Mer. What in the thunder do you mean ? Why you're 
dumb, jackassly dumb ! 

Har. Just as you say, sir, {aside) it strikes me he's the 
dumb one ; what's he mean by " old Mr. Comfort ?" ( To 
Mer.) I was talking about Mr. Richard, sir. 

Mer. No, you weren't ; you said Mr. Comfort's wife 
didn't look like Sally. 

Har. Neither she do, sir. 

Mer. Great scott ! man ! do you know who his wife is ? 

Har. In course I do ; I've knowed who she is for 
nigh on a year. 

Mer, a year ! Not a year ! 

Har. Yes, sir, ever since they was engaged and long 
afore it was told to nobody, sir. I always did like Miss 
Edith. 

Mer. Edith! Edith who! 

Har. I said Miss Edith, sir ; Miss Edith Barley in 
course ; leastways that were her name afore she married 
Mr. Comfort. 

Mer. Edith Barley ! that was the girl Dick was engaged 
to. 

Har. In course, sir — that's what I said. 



38 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Mer. But he is married — {hesitates.) 

Har. Certainly, sir, I said that too. 

Mer. {aside) That is terrible ! evidently this fellow does 
not know the truth. ( To Har.) And where is Mrs. Comfort 
now? 

Har. Don't know where she is just now, sir ; reckon she's 
somewhere around. She's almost always to home, except 
when she is in town at her mother's, sir, and she's there 
pretty regular every week, as it were. 

Mer. {aside) I must see Dick, and receive an explana- 
tion. {To Har.) Tell Mr. Comfort I wish to have an inter- 
view with him. 

Har. Yes. sir. {Aside) He seems to Hke to interview 
folks. {Exit D. F.) 

Mer. Two wives! I always thought Dick a little gay, 
but this is carr3ang gayety to an extreme ; it is positively 
festive. Terrible ! disgraceful ! and Dick swore he was un- 
married too. {Entej^ Mean, and Mrs. M. d. l. 2.) 

Mean. My dear Clementine, I agree with you in every- 
thing. 

Mer. {aside) Another wonder! I will speak to him 
about Dick. 

Mean. What you say is certainly true ; Richard must 
explain matters. 

Mer. Just what I was thinking, sir. 

Mean, {seeing Mer. — sharply) And what right have you 
to think anything ? 

Mer. What right, sir ! I think — 

Mean. Entirely too much. 

Mrs. M. Entirely! 

Mean. You think it your duty to interfere in every one's 
business, and do your utmost to make trouble between my 
wife and me. 

Mer. Oh ! pardon me, sir, I tried to smooth matters — 

Mean. Smooth your grannie ! there was nothing to 
smooth. 

Mrs. M. Certainly not ! you cannot smooth the placid 
mirror-like waters of a limpid lake. 

Mean. And a lot of wind only ruffles the surface. 

Mer. Yes, of course, but I was trying to pour oil on the 
already ruffled waters. 

Mean. Your attempt was a failure. 

Mer. {half aside) I am aware of that fact. 

Mean. A rip-saw cannot smooth. 

Mer. I never imagined it could, sir. 

Mrs. M. {shai'ply) Then don't try it. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 39 

Mer. Thanks, I won't. {Aside) They seem in a 
strangely agreeable mood (Zi? Mean.) My dear sir, 
there is a little matter — 

Mean. I have no time for trifles. 

Mer. If your wife would kindly withdraw I — 

Mean. My wife withdraw ! Never! 

Mrs. M. Nothing- shall ever part us. 

Mer. {aside) Then I won't attempt it. A very loving 
couple. ( To Mean.) I am extremely glad to see you such 
a happy family, but — 

Mean. I have no secrets from my wife. 

Mrs. M. {to Mer.) If it be necessary for some one to 
withdraw yoi. may do so. {Sits c.) 

Mean. We give you our full permission. {Enter Com. 

D. L. I.) 

Com. {aside) She refuses to be reconciled. 

Mer. Ah ! Dick ! I wish to speak to you about — about 
something. 

Mean. Richard, I would Hke to have a few moments of 
your valuable time. 

Com. I seem to be in demand. 

Mer. Dick, if you'll come into the smoking-room we — 

Mean. You will remain here, sir ! 

Mer. But I sent for him and I think — 

Mean. Your thoughts are worthless. 

Com. {aside) I evidently have no choice in the matter. 

Mean. As Richard's uncle, I certainly have a right to 
the first interview. 

Com. {aside) I had better remain and do my best to 
weather the storm. {To Mer.) Uncle is right, and as in 
all other things, I will trv to please him in this. 

Mean. It is well that you know your duty. Sit down ! 

Com. I am not tired, sir. 

Mean. Sit down, I say ! {Sits R. c.) 

Com. {aside) The storm is going to be a heavy one, 
{Sits L. c. Mer. stands by left side of Mean, chair) 

Mean. Richard, I desire an explanation, I demand 



one 



Com. In any way that I can be of assistance, sir — in 
what — 

Mean. You need ask no questions, sir, leave that to me. 
My wife has been insulted. 

Mrs. M. Insulted by a common house-maid. 

Com. Impossible ! 

Mean, {angrily) What do you mean, sir ! you know it 
is possible ! very possible ! I demand an explanation. 



40 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

Com. {aside) It is to be a thunder storm. {To Mean.) 
Why, uncle, / didn't insult her. 

Mean. You did, sir ! or if you didn't you allowed it to 
be done, which is the same thing-. 

Mrs. M. Precisely ! the maid is in j^our employ. 

Com. Yes, she is in — 

Mrs. M. She must get out. 

Com. But, my dear Aunt — 

Mrs. M. You refuse to dismiss her? {Aside to Mean.) 
There may be some truth in our suspicions. 

Mean. Richard, there, is another matter. 

Com. {aside) The storm is about to burst. 

Mean. You know my wishes in regard to marrying, or 
rather to your not marrying. What did that maid mean by 
calling herself your wife ? 

Com. I'm sure I can't say, sir. 

Mer. Why, Dick, you know — 

Mean. Who asked you to interrupt, sir ? {To Com.) 
Richard, how can you account for w4iat she said ? 

Com. I — I can't account for it; she must be weak- 
minded. 

Mer. {aside) What a liar he is ! 

Mean. You say then that you are not married to that 
maid? 

Com. I am married to ?io maid. 

Mer. Dick, how can you stand there and — ■ 

Mean. Mind your own business, sir! {Rises) What 
affair is it of yours whether Richard is standing or sitting ? 
Wnat difference would it make to you if he were married 
to ten thousand maids ? 

Mrs. M. He has a right to marry whom he pleases — 

Mean. Without consulting you ? 

Com. {aside) I came out of that storm with great credit ; 
I had better withdraw before the wind blows from some 
unexpected quarter. {Rises) { To Mer.) What was it you 
wished to say to me, George ? 

Mer. If you don't mind, we will adjourn to the smoking 
room. I — I imagine your uncle and aunt do not appreciate 
my society. 

Mrs. M. Remember, Richard, you must dismiss that 
maid. 

Mean. Yes, I do not propose that my wife shall be in- 
sulted. 

Com. {aside) Dismiss my own wife ! What am I to do ? 
{Exeunt Mer. and Com. d. r.) 

Mrs. M. I camiot understand it. That woman distinctly 



^ETWEE^ THE ACTS. 4I 

said that Richard was her husband. What object did she 
have in saying so ? 

Mean. It does seem mysterious, my dear {sits R. c.) ; but 
Richard vows there is no truth in it — you heard him — and 
we certainly should believe our nephew before a common 
kitchen-maid. No doubt, as he says, the girl is weak- 
minded. Perhaps she wishes to marry him, and the wish 
being the father to the thought, she thinks herself married. 

Mrs. M. But if she be crazy, why does Richard retain 
her? 

Mean. Can't imagine, my dear ; but she shall not remain ; 
I will see to it. I sha'n't allow strangers to insult my wife. 

Mrs. M. But you would allow acquaintances ? 

Mean. Certainly not, my dear. 

Mrs. M. And you will never quarrel with me again ? 

Mean. Never again ; but it takes two to make a quarrel, 
you know. 

Mrs. M. More often, one. 

Mean. Oh ! no, one cannot quarrel without the other. 

Mrs. M. But one can start a quarrel. 

Mean. Yes, that is true ; but the past is forgiven, I do 
not blame you, my dear. 

Mrs. M. Blame me ! I should say not ; you have nothing 
to blame. 

Mean. I simply referred to our quarrels, my dear. 

Mrs. M. I was never to blame. 

Mean. Oh ! come now, Clementina, I have no doubt we 
were both — 

Mrs. M. Speak for yourself, sir. 

Mean. You fly into a temper so easily, that it is utterly 
useless to try to reason with you. 

Mrs. M. Yes, ior you to attempt to reason ; you can't do 
it. 

Mean. My dear Clementina, you must not — 

Mrs. M. Must not ! I shall do as I please. {Sarcastically) 
I thought you would never quarrel with me again. Oh no ! 
never again ! The truth is, you have such a disagreeable 
disposition that you can't control yourself. 

Mean. {Qnietly) Then my darling — 

Mrs. M. How dare you talk so coolly! {rises) you 
hypocrite ! you know you are in a raging temper ; yes you 
are, you needn't deny it ; I see it in your eyes. (Mean t7Hes 
to speak) Not another word, sir ! I won't listen to you. Not 
one word! (^;r//MRS. M. D. l. 2.) 

Mean. Now was that a quarrel or not? I didn't quarrel. 
She said she saw temper in my eyes ; what's the matter 



42 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

with my eyes ! they are not crossed. Sorr^^ that this should 
have happened ; very sorry. After such an amicable settle- 
ment of our last disagreement; but deuce take it, I'm not 
going to apologize and tell her that I was to blame for this, 
when I wasn't. {Efifej'M\LK. d. r.) 

Mer. {speakifig out d. r.) Well, Dick, it is none of my 
business — 

Com. {without) Then why do you make it yours ? 

Mer. {speaking out d. r.) But you really oughtn't to act 
this way and you know it. 

Com. {without) If I know it, why do you tell me? 

Mer. {as if to himself) He is irreclaimable, incorrigible ! 
I can do nothing with him. 

Mean. That's not to be wondered at. 

Mer. No, you are right ; when a man becomes a biga- 
mist or a polygamist he is generally beyond recall. 

Mean. You are talking at random — mere nonsense. 

Mer. I wish I were, for Dick's sake. 

Mean. Wnat has Richard to do with it ? 

Mer. Simply this ; Dick denies that he is married. I 
say it is not true ! 

Mean. Of course it is untrue. 

Mer. I msan w^hat he says is not true. Dick is not only 
married to his maid-servant, but he has another wdfe. 

Mean. What! Two wives! Impossible! {Rises) 

Mer. Improbable you mean, but I fear very possible. 
That he has two wives I am certain ; the question is, where 
has he drawn the line ? Upon investigation the number 
may multiply. 

Mean. I do not believe it, sir ! Upon what grounds do 
you make such an accusation ? 

Mer. First, the maid herself — 

Mean, A weak-minded creature. 

Mer. You think so, perhaps, but judging from a conver- 
sation I overheard there is more truth in what she says than 
you imagine. 

Mean. Nonsense ! What did you hear ? 

Mer. Enough, when added to what Harris told me, to 
confirm my suspicions. 

Mean. What was that? 

Mer. Just as I have told you, that Dick has two 
wives. 

Mean. I do not believe a word of it, but — a — {sarcastic- 
ally) your knowledge is unlimited — who is the other one ? 

Mer. The girl Dick was engaged to a year ago. 

Mean. How's that? The girl he was engaged to! 



. BETWEEN THE ACTS. 43 

Now I am sure that your suspicions are unfounded; he 
said the engagement was broken. 

Mer. Yes, but — a — any one can He. 

Mean. {a?igrily) Hang it ! No doubt you can, but my 
nephew is no Har. What reason would he have for keep- 
ing his marriage a secret ? 

Mer. None, unless he had one wife already, or, perhaps 
he thought you would not favor it. 

Mean. Nor would I ; I often told him so. Can it be 
true ! But I will soon learn the truth. {Goes towai'd d. r.) 
No, it u'ould be better to have more substantial proofs than 
those you have given me before accusing him. Where is 
this maid? I will see her first. 

Mer. I shall send her to you, sir ; you will learn that 
what I say is true. {Exit Mer. d. f.) 

Mean. This is scandalous ! simply scandalous ! But it 
can't be true ! there must be some mistake ! two wives 1 
poor fellow ; what does he do when he quarrels with both 
of them at once, or — a — or rather when they quarrel with 
him ? The storm must be terrible. {E?iter Mrs. C. d. l. 
I. Aside) Ah, here is the maid; not a bad looking girl. 
{To Mrs. C.) My dear, I desire a few moments' conversa- 
tion with you ; {aside) it is best to speak to her kindly. 

Mrs. C. Is this Mr. Meander, Dick's uncle ? 

Mean. Yes, I am Mr. Comfort's uncle. 

Mrs. C. Dick told me that you were here, but — 

Mean. Mr. Comfort, my dear ! Mr. Comfort ! You should 
not be so familiar. 

Mrs. C. I — I forgot ; but you are not company, and I 
call him " Dick." 

Mean. But a maid has no right — 

Mrs. C. I am not a maid ; I am Dick's wife. Why he 
told you that I was a maid I — I do not know, unless — un- 
less he has another wife {begi?ming to ay). 

Mean. Now don't cry. {Aside) What shall I do with 
her? {To Mrs. C.) Richard has no wife, I am sure of it 
{quickly) except you of course. 

Mrs. C. {crying) But he has ; I — I know it. 

Mean, {aside) When a woman knows a thing it is useless 
to try to convince her to the contrary. 

Mrs. C. She is in the house. I saw him making love 
to her. 

Mean. What ! you saw him ! here ! This is outrage- 
ous ! Are you sure ? 

Mrs. C. Certain. 

Mean. My dear young woman, have you any proof 



44 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

that 3'OU are Richard's wife — the marriage papers, for 
instance ? 

Mrs, C. I have them in my room. 

Mean. And you saw him making love to another woman ? 
The villain ! You're sure it was a woman ? 

Mrs. C. Quite sure. 

Mean, {aside) My temper is rising rapidly to fever heat. 
What a terrible look my eyes must have in them. And so 
Richard has deceived me, has he ? Sally, are you aware — ■ 

Mrs. C. My name is Edith, sir. 

Mean. Edith ! He told me it was Sally. Another de- 
ception ! Edith, do you know how your husband makes 
his living ; what business is he in ? 

Mrs. C. None, at present, sir ; he — he told me that you 
made him an annual allowance ; is that true ? 

Mean. Alas ! too true ! But do you know the condi- 
tions of that allowance ? 

Mrs. C. No, sir. 

Mean. That he should never marry. 

Mrs. C. He did not tell me that. 

Mean. Of course he didn't, the rascal! Still another 
deception ! And this is the way that I am to be treated by 
my own nephew ! A nephew that I have loved ! I'll not 
stand it ! He's had his day ; now I shall have mine. He's 
had his laugh ; it is my turn, and we'll see who will laugh 
the longest and best ; we'll see ! 

Mrs. C. Oh, uncle ! please don't be too severe with poor 
Dick ; for I love him still, it is not his fault, I'm sure it isn't; 
it is that hateful, old woman ; if he will only give her up — 

Mean. And he shall give her up. I will dismiss her 
myself; where is she ? 

Mrs. C. {throwing arms about hini) You are very kind, 
but please spare Dick. 

Mean, {aside) She's a dear little creature. {To Mrs. 
C.) I cannot spare him. {Enter Mrs. M. d. l. 2. horrified) 

Mrs. C. For my sake. 

Mean, {aside) What would my wife say, if she saw me 
now? {To Mrs. C.) Well, for your sake, I will try — I say 
I will try— ^to be less severe ; but I must speak to him. I 
shall do so now ; he is in the smoking-room. {Goes toward 

D. R.) 

Mrs. C. It is not his fault ; I am sure of it. {Exit Mean. 
D. r.) 

Mrs. M. {angrily!) But it's your fault, you — you — I don't 
know any term strong enough for you. You are not con- 
tent with disgracing Mr. Comfort's good name, by calling 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 45 

yourself his wife, but you must try by underhand means to 
win the affections of another woman's husband. 

Mrs, C. I— i do not understand you : how dare you in- 
sinuate such a thing ! 

Mrs. M. I dare speak the truth. 

Mrs. C. You l<:now that is untrue. Once again I com- 
mand you to leave the house. 

Mrs. M. And I defy you. {Sitting) I shall sit down 
here and remain until I wish to go. 

Mrs. C. You refuse to leave ? 

Mrs. M. Certainly ; until some one who has authority 
tells me to go. 

Mrs. C. Since you will not obey me, I shall bring some 
one whose authority you will be compelled to recognize. 
{Exit D. r.) 

Mrs. M. She is certainly crazy. {Enter Mrs. C. and 
Mean. d. r.) 

Mean, {aside to Mrs. C.) Where is she ? 

Mrs. C. {aside to Mean.) Sitting there ; she refuses to 
leave. 

Mean, {aside to Mrs. C.) She does, does she ? She 
won't remain long. ( To Mrs. M. 7iot recognizing her) You 
refuse to go at this lady's bidding ? perhaps you will obey 
my command. Leave this house immediately and forever ! 
and if you dare to — (Mrs. M. rises) my wife ! 

Mrs. M. {very haughtily) I shall obey you ; I leave this 
house and you, now and for — ev — er. {Exits d. l. 2) 
(Mean, sinks dejectedly i?ito a chair) 

Mean. My wife ! 

Mrs. C. Your wife ! Oh ! what have I done ! 

Mean. And what have I done ! 

Mrs. C. I was told that she was Mrs. Comfort ; Dick's 
wife. 

Mean. Oh ! wretched man that I am ! This is the grand 
climax ; the final to all our quarrels ; she is going away 
forever. {Rising — vehemently') She must not go ! I will 
speak to her {goes toward d. l. 2) {stopping.) But she will 
not believe me ; why should she ? I wouldn't believe my- 
self. 

Mrs. C. Oh, uncle ! I am sorry — 

Mean. So am I, my dear, but it wasn't your fault ; 3^ou 
were misinformed. I should have recognized my own wife. 
What is to be done ! You must help me. Come, we will 
see her and try to explain matters. 

Mrs. C. But— a— 

Mean, {leading her toward d. l. 2) You must go with me, 



46 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 



come ! {Enter Mer. 



my dear ; she would not believe me 

D. F.) 

Mer. Sally will be here — 

Mean. Confound Sally ! Get out of my way, sir. {Exeunt 
Mean, and Mrs. C. d. l. 2.) 

Mer. He has evidently been having a talk with Sally, 
and from his actions rather a stormy one. {Enter Com. 
D. R.) 

Com. {not seeing Mean.) They worry me almost crazy 
talking nonsense. 

Mer. I should think your conscience would worry you. 

Com. Why should it ? 

Mer. Perhaps you have none. 

Com. {coolly) Merrigale, I believe you're— a — you're a fool. 

Mer. {quietly) Thank you. 

Com. You wished to speak to me — and then asked a lot 
of rubbish about my two wives ; now what in the thunder 
do you mean ? Is it a joke ? It is a deuced poor one, and 
I fail to see the point. 

Mer. But, Dick, you can't deny that you — 

Com. That I have two wives ? I can and do deny it. 

Mer. Oh ! of course you ca?t. 

Com. {angrily) And I mean it too. I am becoming tired 
of your interference. Why did you tell my wife that I — 

Mer. You confess then that you have a wife ? 

CoiM. Certainly I do, but onl}'- one. 

Mer. But you denied it at first. 

Com. For reasons which do not concern 3^ou in the 
slightest degree. I did not wish my uncle to know of my 
marriage ; he was so averse to it. Now he knows every- 
thing, and a great deal more than everything, judging from 
the ridiculous way he has been talking about the crime of 
bigamy. What did you mean by telling Edith ' ha^ an- 
other wife ? 

Mer. Edith ! I — I haven't seen her. 

Com. That's not true. 

Mer. But it is true, Dick ; I was talking to your other 
wife — I — I mean the maid. 

' Com. Edith and the maid are one and the same ; I called 
her that to deceive uncle. 

Mer. What an idiot I am. 

Com. You certainly are. 

Mer. And I told your uncle that you had two wives. 

Com. I wondered where he learned that rubbish ; I 
thought it was not original with him. {Sarcastically) Mer- 
rigale, I am greatly indebted to you for all your trouble. 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 47 

Mer. But I — I really did not tell the maid — your wife I 
mean — that you had another wife. 

Com. You pointed out some woman — I can't imagine 
whom — and called her " Mrs. Comfort." 

Mer. Yes, but I meant your aunt. 

Com. My aunt ! I have no aunt by that name. What ! you 
didn't mean Aunt Clementina ! 

Mer. The one that called herself " Mrs. Meander." 

Com. Called herself " Mrs. Meander 1" that is her name. 

Mer. Not her real name ! I thought she was the wife of 
■ — is his name Meander ? By Jove ! I thought it was Com- 
fort. 

Com. Well, for a man of your years, you are the dumbest 
I have ever seen : a regular freak. 

Mer. You are right ; dumb as a stone wall. 

Com. I wish you were ; you would have said less. 

Mer. I am extremely sorry, old man — 

Com. Oh ! no doubt you are — but that doesn't help 
matters any. What is to be done ? How am I to live ? 
With the understanding that I should not marry, uncle made 
me a yearly allowance ; but no more help can be expected 
from that source. 

Mer. And it was through me that your uncle discovered 
the truth 1 What an unfriendly friend I am ! 

Com. You couldn't have done better — or rather worse — 
if you had been my enemy. 

Mer. Oh ! don't say that, Dick ; don't make me feel any 
worse than I do already. 

Com. Misery loves company ; you have succeeded in 
driving me almost crazy. {Seeing papers on table) Confound 
it 1 here's my comedy, unfinished — I had forgotten it ! 

Mer. Your what ? 

Com. My comedy ; I am writing a play. 

Mer. {aside) He has certainly gone crazy. 

Com. It should have been completed by to-night ; but it 
is too late now ; it's too late ! There have been so many 
interruptions — between the acts — that it will be impossible 
to finish it in time. A comedy ! It should have been a 
tragedy ; then I could have played the star part. 

Mer. And it is all my fault ! I feel so miserable that I 
would gladly take poison. 

Com. Poison ! would that this glass contained it {takes 
up glass full of water, from table — Enter Sally d. f.) 
{excitedly) Poison ! Death by it would be welcome ! Then 
would I be at rest. Then would all these cares, worries, 
and false accusations be forever at an end. Poison ! I 



48 BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

would drink it as I do this — (Sally sci'cams — Com. lets glass 
fall.) 

Sally. He's pizaned ! {screams again) Murder ! Hilp ! 
{To Mer.) Wliy don' yez do sometlun' an' not stand there 
loike a post thet yez are. Hilp ! Where's the missus ! I'll 
fitch her. {Exit Sally d. l. 2.) 

Mer. She thinks you are poisoned. (Com. stoops to pick 
tip glass) Enter Mrs. C. and Sally d. l. 2.) 

Sally. There he is, mum ; all doubled up with spasms 
inside him. 

Mrs. C. {7'umiing to Co.al) Oh, Dick ! what have you 
done ! Why did you do it. It is all my fault. 

Com. But Edith I — 

Mrs. C. Do not attempt to speak ; it will only weaken 
you. Sit down here {puslmig him into chair) Quick ! some- 
one bring water ! 

Com. No, I object; no more water. 

Mrs. C. But you will die. 

Com. Oh ! no, I won't. 

Mrs. C. I implore you! do not die! live! live for my 
sake ! 

Com. Edith, I have no present intentions of dying ; I feel 
better, much better {attempts to rise). 

Mrs. C. Do not rise! Not until you have entirely re- 
covered. {Kiieeling) Will you forgive me, Dick ? 

Com. Forgive you ! What ? 

Mrs. C. I have cruelly wronged you. I have enter- 
tained false suspicions ; but I am so sorry, can you forgive 
me? 

Com. Yes, what little I have to forgive. {Enter Mean. 
and Mrs. M. d. l. 2) But — a — but can you forgive me ? 

Mrs. C. There is nothing — 

Com. Everything, Edith ! I have been a coward. I was 
afraid to tell uncle that you were my wife. Not because I 
was ashamed of you — I could never be that — but on ac- 
count of uncle's wTath should he learn that I was married. 

Mrs. C. But it was for my sake. 

Com. Yes, for your sake ; but cowardly nevertheless. 
' Oh ! why didn't I tell you everything when we were mar- 
ried? 

Mrs. C. Never mind, dear ; it is all over now. 

Com. Yes, it is all over. I must seek some employment 
by which I can support you. Perhaps this play wliich I 
have been wTiting may bring me something. I cannot ex- 
pect uncle to — 

Mean, {stepping forward) No, Richard, you can expect 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 49 

nothing more from me. I blame you — not so much for 
marrying this dear Httle girl ; she's a jewel ; by Jove ! if you 
hadn't married her, I would have done it myself 

Mrs. M. Sir! 

Mean. Of course I — I mean if I had not met a very fine 
woman first, my love. ( To Com.) But, Richard, I do blame 
you for not confiding everything in your wife. As you say 
— you should expect nothing from me, but — here's my hand, 
young man {^giving hand), I forgive you. 

Com. Sir ! 

Mean. For your wife's sake. 

Com. How can I thank you ! I did not expect — 

Mean. If you had, I wouldn't have done it. 

Mrs. M. Your wife should be a blessing to you, Richard. 

Com. She has proven herself one. 

Mer. Mrs. Meander, I think — 

Mean. Let me advise you to stop thinking in future ; it 
is a bad habit. And now, Richard, a playwright's life is not 
a happy one ; yours should be full of happiness. Write 
plays for amusement, if you will, but when you are in 
need of the wherewithal to sustain life^ draw on your uncle 
— Between the Acts. 

Curtain^ 



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